The Healing Power of Forgiveness
by Jennifer Pirtle
We all know what it’s like to be wronged. Maybe someone you trust hurt you recently — perhaps your boyfriend lied to you or a visiting relative made a cutting comment about your shape. Or it could be that the pain runs deeper — beginning when you were a child and rippling out, like rings in a pond, into your adult life.
Whatever the specifics, even the smallest of hurts can feel intense. And, often, the idea of extending forgiveness seems incomprehensible for days, months or even years after the initial wound. But it’s said that to err is human, to forgive divine, and now mounting evidence suggests that, for those who can give up their grudges, the physical and psychological rewards may well be great.
A research group at Hope College in Michigan, US, was prompted to remember past injustices — such as a boyfriend’s infidelity or a slight by a friend — and then think unforgiving thoughts. “We noted increases in their heart rate, blood pressure and sweat levels,” says Charlotte vanOyen Witvliet, Assistant Professor Of Psychology at Hope College and Lead Researcher on the study. “This suggests their stress responses were greater during those periods than when compared to equal periods of forgiveness.”
This conclusion was borne out by a study at the Virginia Commonwealth University, US, which found elevated levels of cortisone (also considered a stress response) in the saliva of people who were loath to forgive.
In total, more than 60 scientific studies are currently underway worldwide to monitor and measure the act of forgiveness. And though findings point to the positive consequences of not holding grudges, most people find it difficult to forgive. Experts say that much of the reluctance lies in the fact that the concept of forgiveness is so misunderstood.
Many of us mistakenly believe that, by offering forgiveness, we're caving in and relinquishing our power. But, says Professor Witvliet, “Forgiving doesn’t mean ignoring an injustice or letting someone treat you badly. Remember that it’s not a wimp’s response. It takes a strong, courageous effort to make that move. Letting go of your grudges takes a great deal of moral muscle.”
Flexing that moral muscle can be very empowering, as graphic designer Gina, 38, can confirm. She says she felt stronger after forgiving her mother for past emotional slights. As a teenager, Gina found herself the frequent target of her mother’s jealousy. After one particularly volatile blow-up, her mother asked Gina to move out of the house. As a result, the two women hardly spoke for years, meeting only during family holidays, when, as Gina says, “We'd put smiles on our faces and declare an unspoken truce.”
As she moved well into adulthood, Gina thought she’d worked through all the hurt — but it would surface again and again. And the stress of internalising her emotions seeped into all areas of Gina's life, affecting both her relationships and the quality of her work.
Even so, it wasn’t until Gina began planning her own wedding that she knew it was time to truly forgive her mother. ‘I realised then that | wanted my mother in my life,’ she recalls, ‘so | picked up the phone and told her so.’ Today, Gina admits that the road to forgiveness was often bumpy — but she’s very glad she made the move. “The years of negative energy were such a waste for me,” she says. “Now my mind is free to concentrate on other things.”
Though several years of nursing a wound might seem like a long stretch, it's not unusual for individuals to take lengthy periods of time to work through painful grudges, says Professor Everett Worthington, a family counsellor and Executive Director of A Campaign For Forgiveness Research, based in Virginia, US. “The more hurtful the original offence,” he says, “the longer it usually takes to forgive. It’s especially difficult to forgive a hurt you've tried to forgive before without success.”
Getting rid of a grudge is a journey. And at the core of every journey, he says, is empathy — the ability to feel and understand what another person has experienced. In fact, experts maintain that the ability to empathise is an important skill when it comes to maintaining better relationships in the long run. But it’s that understanding which most people who've been hurt find so difficult to reach. “When we're wounded,” says Professor Witviiet, “we've lost something. Feelings of sadness and anger are to be expected.”
Molly, 29, the Operations Manager of a large Internet services company, still struggles to forgive one of her closest friends who repeatedly let her down. “The feelings of betrayal were all-consuming,” Molly says, “I knew they weren't good for me.” A few years on, Molly says she always avoids unkind words and she even says hello to her former friend at public events — but she hasn't forgiven her. “I’m still gripped by a quiet loathing,” she says.
Until victims heal their angry emotions, the memory of the injustice will continue to haunt them and eat away at their life, says Dr Ken Hart, a Lecturer in psychology at the University Of Leeds. He recently investigated the idea that people can be taught the skills needed to let go of their grudges. In a 20-week counselling programme, 76 people were taught how to heal themselves from the ‘cancer of bitterness’.
“Everyone wants to be happy and healthy,” says Dr Hart. “A person bearing a grudge doesn’t have peace of mind. Not being able to forgive someone is as bad for you as smoking two packets of cigarettes a day.”
Healing the hurt
Dr Hart is quick to stress that forgiving someone does not mean blanking all knowledge of the event that wounded you — nor, as Professor Witvliet insisted, does it mean allowing someone to repeatedly hurt you. “Forgiveness does not equal forgetting,” he says. “It is about healing the memory of the harm, not erasing it.”
Sarah*, 40, a communications consultant, still recalls the wrongs committed by her ex-husband many years ago but says she has successfully moved beyond the pain. She was 20 and married just five months when her husband became physically and emotionally violent. Where she had once been a sociable, outgoing person, her confidence was quickly eroded and Sarah descended into despair. “My self-esteem plummeted,” she says.
Then, one day, Sarah summoned the inner strength to pack up her belongings and leave. Several months later she felt ready to face the world again and went out with a friend to a local nightclub. When she walked in, the first person she saw was her ex-husband. While his reaction to seeing her was one of rage, Sarah's response was to slowly and carefully say to him, “I’m very sorry you feel that way, as | wish only well for you.”
Although she remembers feeling “as surprised as anyone” when those words came out of her mouth, she believes that voicing them changed her life. “I felt more peaceful than | had in a long time,” she says. “Suddenly, it was like | could breathe again.”
Such confrontations are not vital, however. It's not actually necessary to include the other person on your path toward personal health. “While forgiveness may lead to reconciliation,’ says Dr Hart, “it is not the same thing.” Forgiveness, he believes, should be likened to a gift — given only when you're truly ready and then offered without any expectation of return. “True forgiveness is an altruistic gesture,” he says, “given in full recognition that it might not be deserved.”
